Indescribable.
2.12.15 | 7:57 AM | 0comments
Just right after the dinner, right after I lay down on my bed, I cried. Cry till the tears won't drop anymore. Cry till my lips shivered. Cry till I bite my own fingers and I just don't care how it hurts to be bitten. I don't care if it's gonna be a wound then. Cry till I can't breathe till I even gasping for air. My lips, my tongue no longer could say any words or anything but an aching sound. No, I don't ask for mercy. No. It's just the thing that I do. Nothing to do with mercy and attention. I don't live for that. Yes, I'm just a human. A girl. Just an ordinary person that live on this land of earth without any superpowers. I couldn't run so fast as The Flash, or like the Jack Frost that could fly in the air without any wings, or maybe a superhuman that could read people's mind. I'm just a human that wait for its time to come. I'm not pretty, I'm not wealthy, I'm not a genius. I have nothing. Nothing to impress you my dear. And the worst and the ugliest part is I don't even could make you happy as what you think of. I couldn't make you feel allright. I couldn't make you satisfied with me. I couldn't do anything 😔 If you're saying that I'm just a burden and trouble, yes I have to admit that you're right. I'm just unlucky. Why I'm not like the other girl ? Bcs she's not me and im not her. I am what I am. I'm weird, I don't like what people like, and I'm sorry about the fruits. I don't eat that I just can't help it. That feeling when you're not eat a such thing for all the years that you have lived for like 19 years. I just can't is that how you measure how deep my love to you ? I know it sounds really funny and even a small kid could do that. I don't know why I can't. I know I am a loser and I'm trying everyday even it's not enough even I tried and it goes wrong and I tried to fix it again and it goes worser. Maybe I do wrong. Maybe I don't know how it goes. Maybe I got it wrong, maybe the way I think of is wrong. Vice versa from you. Because I never done so much things in my life. And I'm so afraid and I'm so can't let the pain go through. It will make a huge disaster in me. I have promised to myself to not to have that thing before the time comes. I have promised my mom, I have promised your mom, and I don't break promises. You don't know. I can break the rules but not this. This is huge. Though I thought it is okay to be wild at first, but I just can't hold the pain, it is damn pain. It hurts a lot way too hurts. It hurts than having a broken arm. It hurts than my gastric pain. And that makes you judge my love to you. What can I do we had too much of arguments, we fought a lot. For me, love is just not about romance but everything. Having someone who understand you the most, having someone to embrace when you're having a bad day, having someone to talk to and motivate you, bring you back to life, makes you feel that it's worth to live the life, the one who can stand with you, the one who never gets bored of you even how many times you babble at the same thing over and over, the one who holds you whenever it's cold or hot, someone who willing to give a hand, someone who accepts me from head to toe even in my dark side even at my worst. Someone who love you when you're not young and beautiful. Someone who never let you go even how hard it is but still want you. It's about everything, more than what I could say. There are many perspective to look to. I know that I love you. I love you the best. I never done anything wrong behind you. And you know what, I never have a crush to anyone, never once. I've been a lot of heartbreaks and I never did once. If I cause you hurt, I am deeply sorry. I never want to but I'm not letting you go. No. Because I still keeping all of my promises to you. I don't break promises. Just wondering if you still remember our promises though. I hope you do. No other man have done the best like you do I can say. I'm not praising you but I'm just telling you the truth. I'm sorry I couldn't say anything whenever we had fight. I'm numb, but inside I was screaming like hell. And for the tears, I don't ask for sympathy I even know it doesn't affect you at all bcs you're not a soft-hearted man while I'm just girl with a fragile heart, sensitive and crying is the thing I do. Why I'm not like the other girls why I'm not like the other girls why I'm not like the other girls WHY. I don't know. My reason doesn't make sense to you anyway. All the pretty stars shine for you, my love. Am I that girl that you dream of ? All those little times you said that I'm your girl. You make me feel like your whole world. Am I still the queen ? The imperfect queen that have flaws all over her body ? It hurts when you said that you're letting me go. Is it a dream ? It's just a boring nightmare, right ? You're still there don't you ? Glad to see you you're standing still waiting for me to walk me home. Walk with me when the class ends. And everything. So happy to see you're still there. Please tell me that it's just a nightmare.
Dear Lord, when I get to heaven, please let me bring my man. When he comes tell me that you'll let him in, tell me if you can. All that grace, all that body, all that face makes me wanna party. He's my sun he makes me shine like diamonds.
